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三七养生

属于我自己的树洞贴，一个人的倾诉（二）

飞凡
2012-12-23 22:17
4141 执迷不悔

儿子练习吹气球。
婆婆心疼啊，一个劲儿地说：宝子你吹不起来，让你爸帮吹吧。 ...
aliliya 发表于 2012-12-23 20:21
:handshake 我儿子前一阵也非常着迷吹气球，结果往往是拿着整个都沾满口水的气球塞到我手里，嘴边一圈全是口水，下巴上还挂着:lol
却从来都没吹起来过，然后很满足的去干别的事了。
aliliya
2012-12-24 18:06
结果往往是拿着整个都沾满口水的气球塞到我手里，嘴边一圈全是口水，下巴上还挂着飞凡 发表于 2012-12-23 22:17 图片
嗯嗯嗯，是这个情形:lol
aliliya
2012-12-24 18:11
4143 你不是给人家了吗？

昨晚都躺下来，准备睡，突然想起一件事，跟老公有了如下对话——
我：我给咱妈的蓝色皮包，去年她背回老家，就没再背回来，你这次回老家，要是看见，给拿回来吧。
老公：你不是给人家了吗？人家爱咋处理咋处理。
我：挺好挺贵的皮包，搁在老家也没人用。
老公：你不是给人家了吗？搁在老家没人用也是人家自己的事儿，和你没啥关系。
我：……好吧。
睡觉！
aliliya
2012-12-24 18:58
本帖最后由 aliliya 于 2012-12-24 19:06 编辑

4144 爱的朝向

看到同学的微博，孩子扯纸抽，大人把盒子藏起来，孩子哭，不理，半夜孩子再哭，再不理……
说点儿什么还是不说？
决定说。
这话怎么说？怎么说才不会是唐突的介入？
技术活儿！感觉很重要！

不过，最关键的还是——爱的朝向。
爱朝向自己——标榜“我懂得比你多”“我比你清楚”的优越感……
爱朝向他人——从他人的感受和角度去考虑，去帮助。

爱朝向自己，是索取；爱朝向他人，是付出。
aliliya
2012-12-24 19:18
4145 真累

今天在沙滩淘气堡。
有个帅哥老爸，很温柔地陪着孩子玩。
我发现我没办法自自然然地大大方方地看人家，想看的话会偷偷地瞄他几眼。
貌似怕别人说花痴，怕别人说道德品质恶劣。
至于嘛，不就是瞧两眼嘛！
而且，你越不让我瞧，我越想瞧，越偷偷摸摸地瞧:lol 。
哎，真累。
大大方方瞅呗，能咋地呀！

哈哈，想起一件事。
路上如果遇见美女，我都会特意斜老公，看他有没有看美女。
通常这个时候，老公都知道我在斜他，所以，他绝对的目不斜视，只看路和前方。
嗯，这样我觉得安全。
他要是看了，我心里就酸溜溜地不舒服。

我们都没有安全感吧。
aliliya
2012-12-24 19:23
本帖最后由 aliliya 于 2012-12-24 20:15 编辑

4146 金钱物质带来的温暖的情感反馈

在玩具店，一开始，服务员的脸色冷冰冰地。
花了160大洋之后，服务员的脸色暖融融地。

想到之前的TED演讲里提到的——
我们到底是在乎金钱物质，还是在乎金钱物质所能带来的温暖的情感反馈？

如果我们能够在情感上自给自足，对于物质金钱的痴迷执着，可能也就淡很多了。
aliliya
2012-12-24 23:25
4147 玩具

突然想说玩具。
听说过、见过两种貌似比较偏执的情况——
一种是，只有石头啊木头啊泥巴啊这些天然的东西，才可以称作是玩具，见过有知名专家的建议是：家长只给孩子买一套实木积木，摈弃塑料玩具……
另一种是，见到一些家长，看见孩子拿起石头木棍子啥的，就赶紧让孩子扔了，喊着“脏脏脏……”，只有玩具店里的玩具才叫玩具。

显摆一下我自己的观点和做法。
取中。
孩子在外面玩沙啊水啊、捡棍子啊石头啊……我基本从来不拦着，保障安全就好。
同时，如果孩子相中了某塑料玩具，我也没意见，我家塑料玩具两大箱子，质量好的也有，质量不好的也有。
另外，比如家里的纸壳箱子啥的，都可以是玩具……不必拘泥啊。

嗯，陈述完毕，就这样。
燕果
2012-12-25 06:52
回复 aliliya
李雪这段话又说到我心里去了. 过去读过一个印度人讲的他教育孩子的经历. 他移民到北美, 生了个女儿, 发现他女儿是自闭症. 他做了这辈子最对的事情, 就是全家离开北美, 回到印度老家, 一个贫穷的农村. 老家的人指点他去请教一个长老如何教育孩子, 他去找那个长老, 长老告诉他, 自闭不是医学问题, 是教育问题. 长老对他说, 告诉你妻子, 每天什么事情都不要干, 就是紧紧抱紧你的女儿, 脸帖着脸, 即使她哭闹挣扎也不松手, 只告诉她妈妈很爱她, 因为爱她才这样. 半年后再来找我.

这个印度人是个高知, 很幸运的是他听从了这个乡下长老的话, 他太太每天什么都不干, 从早上起来就抱紧她女儿. 一开始小孩又是踢, 又是打, 又是哭闹, 他太太每天下来都是精疲力尽; 一段时间后, 这个孩子开始很享受这种拥抱, 再过一段时间, 这个孩子和母亲开始建立起感情了, 并开始讲话了. 等孩子开始表达感情后, 他再去找这个长老, 后面的事情就很轻松了, 无非是用比较传统的手段教育孩子文化. 后来那个孩子上学了, 一切都很正常.
爱乐
2012-12-25 09:41
通常这个时候，老公都知道我在斜他，所以，他绝对的目不斜视，只看路和前方。
aliliya 发表于 2012-12-24 19:18 图片
狂笑,哈哈哈
aliliya
2012-12-25 09:43
回复 3649# 燕果
亲爱的，谢谢你的分享，新鲜有力！！

李雪已经把这个主题整理成文章了，文章最后一段——“《自闭历程》电影最后，女主角说，我们爱旋转，因为旋转让我们体验到拥抱的感觉。自闭症患儿最渴望也最恐惧的是亲密拥抱。如果爱，我希望自闭症儿童的爸爸妈妈尽量多拥抱孩子，虽然很可能遭受孩子的巨大反抗、攻击和愤怒，但若就是多次坚持抱着不放弃，孩子会从愤怒转化成哭泣，早期累积固结的愤怒和恐惧，得到软化和释放，逐渐体验到，亲密，其实是可以的。”

和你说的这个事例，一模一样啊！！！
呃……我有点儿激动。
爱乐
2012-12-25 09:45
4134 有话好好说——摘自李跃儿微博

奇怪，有些妈妈给小宝宝说话时不好好说，如，一个两岁孩子在餐 ...
aliliya 发表于 2012-12-23 14:56 图片
也许有害怕在里面?昨天我在想,为什么爸爸和我不喜欢被指责,是因为害怕,怕说中自己的错误,所以快速盛怒的制止对方
aliliya
2012-12-25 09:45
狂笑,哈哈哈
爱乐 发表于 2012-12-25 09:41 图片
今天早上——
我：对面一个帅哥，我大大方方地看，你有啥感受？
老公：不知道。
我：你看美女，我不爽。
老公：你没自信。
:lol
aliliya
2012-12-25 09:47
也许有害怕在里面?昨天我在想,为什么爸爸和我不喜欢被指责,是因为害怕,怕说中自己的错误,所以快速盛怒的制 ...
爱乐 发表于 2012-12-25 09:45 图片
是的，被指责，人会有情绪的。
指责是人性不需要的东西。
aliliya
2012-12-25 16:40
4148 要学习的只有一件事：爱。

http://216.24.199.190/thread-70064-1-1.html

:'(
aliliya
2012-12-25 16:54
4149 勇敢去爱

摘自中里巴人的微博：怕被盗，就会多上锁，锁越多，心越不安。

把锁打开，勇敢去爱。
aliliya
2012-12-25 16:57
4150 我和儿子

图片
aliliya
2012-12-25 20:30
本帖最后由 aliliya 于 2012-12-25 21:01 编辑

4151 秩序敏感期

家里有个秋千（淘宝上买的），拴在门框上，儿子有时候会玩玩。
儿子现在荡秋千有个特点：面朝一个方向。
其实可以面朝着两个方向荡的，我试图劝了两次，都未遂。
儿子执着地面只朝一个方向荡，应该是秩序敏感期吧。
aliliya
2012-12-25 22:04
4252 又买了一个摄像头

到货了，明后天和老妈视频聊天。
燕果
2012-12-26 01:47
本帖最后由 燕果 于 2012-12-26 05:49 编辑

回复 aliliya
看到了你的留言后在网络上努力地找， 找到了一个博客，里面的故事和我记忆的似乎不是同一个故事，或者是一个故事但我和别的故事记忆混了，但讲的主题很类似，也是关于拥抱的，里面也有一位的传统教育的智者，而且故事比我上面讲的更精彩。看了一遍又感动了一遍，把自家的孩子又抱了一遍。

这个博主反对一切公共的或者医疗界的对自闭诊断的狂热。他好象是英国人，太太来自另一个国家，大女儿曾被诊断为自闭，孩子五岁时他们移民到了太太的国家，在那里他们碰到了一个智慧的乡村小学校的校长。校长先教他们观察他们的女儿，他们发现孩子走进房间的时候，不是和父母坐在一起，而是和父母保持距离。然后校长教母亲把孩子面对面地抱起来，他们发现孩子坐在母亲腿上的时候，用手臂在母亲和她之间形成了一个屏障。校长一针见血地指出，这是因为在孩子没有和母亲形成亲密的联系。校长在和他们谈话的时候突然把孩子抱起来，把孩子的头放在他自己的胸口，任由孩子歇斯底里地哭闹，他这么做的目的，是为了打破孩子和外界的屏障。效果非常惊人，后来父母也学着同样的拥抱方法，当然一开始很累人，孩子三个月后就开始讲话了，而且表达能力非常好。在有一次父亲要做拥抱功课的时候，她说：＂爸爸，你不该在现在才做本来我是婴儿的时候你该做的事情。＂

文章很长，我只摘了最重要的部分。前面讲很多父亲对现代医疗诊断的疑惑，后面讲了传统教育的手段（比较恐怖，我不是那么赞成）。但中间这一段精华，讲出了为什么现在有那么多所谓问题孩子的原因。
博客的连接在此：

http://autismhysteria.blogspot.com/2006/02/how-my-daughter-was-cured-of-autism_20.html

重点摘抄：
So I quit my job, we sold everything we had, and we left the country and moved to my wife's home country.

By now my daughter was five years old. She was still almost totally non-verbal. She didn't answer her name or respond to requests. She couldn't read, write, or even hold a pencil. Most of the time she played on her own and ignored others. Eye-contact was non-existent. Thankfully she was at least toilet-trained by now.

Then we had a big stroke of luck. We heard about a small school out in the countryside that helped children with communication difficulties, so we went up there to have a look.

It was housed in a two-room shack and run by a headmaster and his wife, their son, and two assistants. The headmaster interviewed us three times and impressed upon us that his therapy wasn't conventional, and that he needed to be sure that the parents were willing to put a lot of work in to helping their child, because the parents are the only ones who can do it. He also told us that he wasn't a doctor, but he had 40 years experience of working with children.

Of course we agreed to put in the work, and I accepted the fact that he wasn't a doctor. By this time I'd had enough of doctors to last a lifetime.

And it was on the third visit that we discovered the real problem with our daughter. We were in the headmaster's office, with the headmaster, while our daughter was in the schoolhouse, taking part in a lesson for a trial. The headmaster then asked one of the assistants to bring my daughter back to the room.

He told us to watch her behavior very carefully when she came in. So we did.

My daughter came in the room, looked about, then sat on a stool a little way from us. The headmaster then pointed out something. My daughter had been away from us, her parents, for half-an-hour, but on seeing us showed no interest in being close to us. That was odd.

The headmaster then asked my wife to put our daughter on her knee. She did, and my daughter sat there calmly.

Then he asked us to sit my daughter facing my wife, and pointed out something else, a small detail that none of the "expert" pediatricians had noticed.

My daughter was sitting calmly and apparently happily.

But she had put her arms in front of her to form a barrier between herself and her mother.

The headmaster nodded. This was the problem, he told us. And this was a problem he was seeing more and more often these days.

My daughter's problem was simply that she had not bonded with her mother.

He then went on to tell us his view of child development.

In the first year of life, he told us, a baby is just an animal, and acts like an animal in having its needs met. Babies need to be picked up regularly, just like any young animal needs to be carried by its mother. This is the basis of bonding. And the way a baby is held during those first few months is crucial. Any child can be affected by mishandling in the first few weeks of life, but the effect can be much more devastating for any child with a sensitive streak.

The bond with the mother is crucial, because without it the child will have a weak (or no) ability to bond with others and will not want to explore the outside world. Then the child will often withdraw into their own world, lose the ability to communicate (because communication isn't important to a child with no bond with the mother) which results in temper tantrums and "coping mechanisms" such as wandering around aimlessly and engaging in repetitive behavior. Once this behavior pattern is set, it becomes increasingly difficult to change, and worsens over time.

The reason that so many mothers no longer know how to look aftertheir baby properly is, the headmaster believes, due to the immense changes that have taken place in society over the past two or three decades. Traditionally a new mother would learn how to look after her baby by taking advice from her own mother. But now many families live too far apart for this to happen. Mothers are left to cope on their own, and make mistakes in those crucial first few months.

Many young mothers also find it extremely stressful to cope with a new baby on their own, and this stress is communicated to the baby, which further hinders the bonding process.

There are later bonding processes too. And the child needs to go through all of them in order to develop properly. After bonding with the mother, the child needs to bond with the family before she can bond with people outside the family and society in general.

Problems can arise here, too, and these problems are also down to the extreme changes in lifestyle of the past few decades. Traditionally, children bonded with the family through working and playing together. But now families rarely work together, mainly because many domestic jobs are automated or done by others outside the family, and much playing together has been replaced by young children spending time watching videos. In short, many parents just don't spend time with their children anymore. All these things can lead to development problems for the child, some of which may not be apparent until years later.

What he said put a new perspective on my daughter's problems. But of course this was just his theory, and I didn't believe it wholesale, interesting as it was. Luckily, the headmaster was ready to show us how his theory worked in practice.

It happened like this.

A little later we went to the schoolroom, where the headmaster continued to explain about the way the school was organized and the way lessons were run. Then suddenly he leaned over, picked up my daughter and held her tightly to his chest.

She screamed the place down.

And screamed for the best part of an hour as the headmaster walked about, holding her tightly all the time, and telling us that it was essential to break down the barrier my daughter had put up between herself and the world. Until that had happened there would be no improvement.

After half an hour my daughter was hysterical, but the headmaster calmly got a wet cloth and wiped the tears from her face. Then when she'd calmed down a little he put her down, placed a chair in her hand and pushed her into a semi-circle of children having a music lesson.

My daughter sat down and looked about for a few seconds as though waking from a sleep. Then her eyes focused on the teacher. And then my daughter (and remember at this point she was making no eye contact and was almost completely non-verbal) simply began to copy the teacher's hand actions and mouth the words to the song.

Me and my wife were stunned. In fact my wife was in tears.

The headmaster turned to us and simply said: "Success."

Then he told us he would accept my daughter into the school, and gave us details of what to do.

The basic of this was hugging in order to take her back to being a baby and bond with her. (There's much more to the therapy, but it's too complicated to put it down here.)

Anyway, we followed his advice. It was tough, because my daughter struggled like a wildcat. Sometimes I had to wrestle with her for two hours before she calmed down But eventually she got to like it, and started to approach me or her mother to be picked up and hugged.

And when she was hugged, she held on tightly, just like a new born baby. And then three months later she began to talk. Just like that. And not just the odd word. But streams of fully-formed intelligible speech. And of course she used speech to communicate the irascible personality we always knew she had. The best moment came when, during one of the hugging sessions, she tried to escape and said: "Daddy, you shouldn't be doing things now that you should have done when I was a baby!"

Wow!

From then on her development just rocketed. With other elements of the therapy she became faster at responding to requests until she was moving so fast the words were hardly out of my mouth before she'd done it. She became competitive with her sister, learned to help about the house, and play imaginative games with her sister. She was now as far away from being autistic as it is possible to get.
aliliya
2012-12-26 18:44
回复 3660# 燕果
亲爱的，非常感谢~！

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